Jacob Hatcher 

Community Columnist  

There are a lot of great things in this world; I am rich with things that I hope will stay exactly as they are until the end of time. Pulled pork? Could not fathom a way in which one could improve upon that. A child’s laughter? The definition of perfection. The way a fiddle sounds when it plays a mournful tune? Sorrow’s best company. God even saw fit to give us hound dogs. We didn’t even have to ask for them.  

I spent some time pondering this week though and discovered there are a few things I wish we could improve. And lest anyone think me a blasphemer, I’m only referring to those things that we humans have made with our hands.  

Chief among my concerns are chairs. Why are all chairs not required to have enough extra on the back upon which one can hang their hat? These stubby things leave us with the table or the floor, neither of which are real options. Depending on the hat your knee will work in a pinch, but we can do better.  

From there we move to porches. In the City of Hartselle alone there are 94 chapters outlining various codes of ordinance, and not one of them requires a ceiling fan on all porches. What good is bureaucracy if porch fans aren’t the end result?  While we’re at it, can we at least require the roof above the porch have some tin on it? Is a few feet of tin too much to ask for?  

Another thing I think all front porches need is a good screen door. Not because I necessarily want to cool the neighborhood by leaving the door open, but because it’s just hard to really feel like summer without the sound of  a screen door slamming. 

Speaking of summer, what do I have to do to get the water at our sink to taste like the water from the hose? Were hose water as convenient as tap water, I guarantee I would be the most hydrated man in the county.  

Even better: can someone tell me how to make tea come out of that spout on the front of my fridge?